Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
