I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
