Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
