ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
