Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
