I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ladies don't puke and tell
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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