There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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