How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
