Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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