I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
