1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
