4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
