So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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