We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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