So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
