the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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