Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
