Someone shit on the floor
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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