mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
