i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
