u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
