I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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