Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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