The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
