the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
