I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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