the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish my penis had a tongue
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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