I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
