Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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