God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
