there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
