mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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