I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
pop tarts are not kleenex
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
