I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
