Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
