Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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