her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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