my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
