I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
