are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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