I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
