i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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