I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize