i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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