I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
