would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
