The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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