My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
