I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
