I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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