My underwear smells like fireworks.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
