As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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