I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You may now shotgun with the bride
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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