I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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