Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
