Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
